A minister stood in front of his
congregation on Sunday morning and said
he would be doing something differently.
When he said a word they would
sing a verse from a hymn,,,,so he said " I will begin
now......"
"Cross", the congregation sang, "The Old Rugged Cross",
"Grace", and they sang a verse from "Amazing Grace",
"Power", and they sang "Power in Blood",
The last word he announced was "Sex", the congregation
looked stunned, not
a word from them----they sat in silence while looking
back and forth at
one another not knowing what to do when all of a sudden
from in the back
of the church an 87 year old lady stood up and started
singing, "Precious
Memories".............
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive
golf courselined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the
husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't
knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window
of the biggest
house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out
for the houses!
Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how
much this is going to cost .
" They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice
say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all
over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that", the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that
was trapped for
a thousand years in that bottle. You've released
me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and
I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!", the husband said. "I want a million
dollars a year,tax free, for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you,
what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done", the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, Genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't
had sex with a woman in a thousand years.
My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did
get a lot ofmoney
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the
wife and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?""35", she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."
The Moral of the Story
Miss Johnson gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
get their
parents tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it. The next
day the students came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
Katie Jo said, "My daddy's a farmer and we got us a mess
of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a
basket on thefront
seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and
all them eggs went
a-flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked Miss J.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, Katie, Jo" said Miss Johnson. "Now, Lucy?"
"Well, our family are farmers, too. But we raise
chickens for the
meat market. We had us a dozen eggs one time, but
when they hatched we
only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story
is, "Don't count
your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have
a story to share?"
Wide eyed, Johnny replied, "Why, yes, ma'am, my daddy
told me this
story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob, he, was a
pilot in Vi-etnam and his
plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory
and all he had was
a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete...
He drank the whole
bottle whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then he landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
He killed seventy of 'em with the machine gun until he
run out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete
till the blade
broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"My goodness, gracious!" exclaimed the horrified Miss
J., "And just
what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
awful story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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