2.Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5.Are You Andy or Barney?
6.I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.
7.You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8.I pay your salary!
9.Gee, Officer!  That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10.Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
11.I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no
other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.
12.When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?"  You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw
the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached
the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering
hole, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast. The first Texan said to the
other, "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep," said the second Texan.
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
She shook her head no. "Kin ya speak?" he asked. She again shook her head
no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started
to lick her on her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there
Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!."

Here's what some of us have to look forward to...
 RE:     Fun in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon:  Why so glum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell!
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down
here...you a drinking man?
Guy:  Sure, I love to drink.
Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.
Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy:  You better believe it!
Demon:  All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie-you're already dead,remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs!  You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke adoobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs youwant - you're dead who cares!  O.D.!!
Guy:  WOW !!  I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon:   You gay?
Guy:  No....
Demon:  "Ooooh,You're gonna hate Fridays."

Two rednecks decided that they weren'tgoing anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to getahead. The first one went
to see a professor who told him to take math,
history, and logic."What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor answered " "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weedeater"? "I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor."That's real good," the redneck responded
in awe.The professor continued: "Logic will also
tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted,
"AMAZIN"!!!
"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you
are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the
most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here
logic class. "The first redneck, proud of the new world
opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still
waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked.
"Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic"? Asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya"?

An Irish man, with a peg leg, in horrible pain, comes into a bar and
struggles to get up on the bar stool. He orders an Irish whiskey.  As
he sits there, he asks the bartender, "Hey, is that Jesus down there at
the end of the bar?" Bartender says yes.  "Well, send him an Irish
whiskey on me!"

Then in walks a Mexican man, with a bad hunch back, obviously in
pain, walking with great difficulty, and orders a shot of tequila from
the
bartender.  He notices Jesus and tells the bar keep to send one over
to him too.

Then in comes in a red neck who yells at the bar keep "Get me a cold
one".
He notices Jesus and asks the barkeep - "Hey, is that God's boy over
there?".  Bar keeper says yes.  Redneck then tells the barkeep to send a

cold one over to Jesus.

When Jesus finishes his drinks, he walks over to the Irish man and
touches his leg.  He says "For your kindness, you are healed".
Suddenly, the
man's leg regenerates, and he leaps to his feet and runs out of the bar
singing!

Then Jesus walks over to the Mexican man says to him "For you
kindness, you are healed.  Jesus touches the man's back, and the man
suddenly straightens up, and does flips out of the bar.

Then Jesus walks over to the red neck, who seeing all the miracles that
had just happened, steps back and says to Jesus, "Hey, don't touch me,
I'm drawing disability.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of
at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to

give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?  Did it also
show that that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband
died
in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her
penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply,"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?