Joke: Woman finds a bottle, genie jumps out. "I'll give you three
     wishes, but your husband will get five times every wish you wish for."
     Lady says, "I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world." Genie
     says, "OK, your husband, five times more handsome." "No. 2, I want to
     be the richest woman in the world." Genie says: "Your husband is a
     zillionaire." "No. 3, I wish for a mild heart attack."


The Rules (Male Version)

1. The male creates all the rules.
2. These rules are just like driving, no female will ever master them.
3. If the male suspects the female knows some of the rules, just agree
with her and laugh it off. (She doesn't have a clue.)
4. The male is always king.
5. When watching television, the male always controls the remote.
6. When driving on trips, the male is allowed to take any short cuts
without getting permission, or asking directions.
7. While watching sporting events, the male is not to be interrupted
unless there is food or beer involved.
8. Whenever the male changes clothes, where they fall is where they
belong.
9. When a male has a day off, there are no rules.
10. The female will never truly understand male bonding.

The Rules (Female Version)

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born
with this knowledge.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which is
a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent
from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any given time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him
to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or
not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to change these rules will result in severe punishment!


*****PLEASE NOTICE:*****

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.
Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It
has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably
unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and
respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go
unnoticed.

--The Department of Notification


A middle-aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and
promises to heal the sick. He says, "Pray with me, placing your right
hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area."  So the man
places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his
wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."

Four Catholic Ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father.'"  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"  Since the fourth Catholic
woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well....?"   So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2"
hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my
God!'"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river."  With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."  And then
finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river." He sat down.  The song leader then
stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and
now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never
had much ambition.  The successful one said, "How has everything been
going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and
dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and
boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on
another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines
really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."   The successful
friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon
Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his
eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
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