A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming
very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator
so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"  The shopkeeper
said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!"  Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the
swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.  Later in the day, the
shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist
deep in the water, shotgun in hand.  Just then,  he sees a huge 12 foot
alligator swimming quickly toward her.  She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it On to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.  The shopkeeper
watches in amazement.  Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's
back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it!  This one isn't wearing any
shoes either!"

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3) Insist that your email address be
xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example:  If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.


Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the
window right now and make one person very happy."  Al shrugs his stiff
shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window
and make 10 people very happy."  Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed
hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills
out the window and make a  hundred people very happy."  Chelsea rolls
her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out
the window and make the whole country happy."

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the
third hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts
his left thumb to his ear and his left pinky finger to his mouth and
proceeds to have a phone conversation.  When he is done, he looks at the
other two and says, "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell
phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky and the antenna is
in my hat. Great stuff, huh?"  They continue golfing until the ninth
hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to
one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German.
When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in
German cell phone technology.  "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and
the antenna has been inserted into my spine...Ah, the wonders of German
know-how!"  At the thirteenth hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing
it, the Japanese guy disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and
the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the
bushes.  In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese guy, squatting with
his pants down around his ankles.  "What on earth are you doing?!" asks
the American.  The Japanese guy looks up and replies, "Waiting for a
fax."

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